Episode 4
MMM: It is with great pleasure I present to you Episode 4!
(Audience cheers)
MMM: Yes we’ve come a long way since Fanfiction.net, and now it is fitting that the first pure chapter be started by our first column faithful:
Eggbellylookalike
Robotnik: Oh goody.
MMM: Shut up. Mr. E writes:
Hey Lardball: why don't you grow a beard and cover up more of your ugly
face? That wimpy little mustache is plainly inadequate!
Don't you need a rocket belt or anti-gravity truss just to
get out of a chair?
What is your cholesterol level, about 10,000?
Robotnik: Why you stupid f… *chair breaks and Robotnik falls face first into the concrete floor* Ouch
Sonic: *bursts out laughing uncontrollably* And they pay me to be here? This is rich!!
Spyro: *Shakes head and sighs* So much insanity… I wish my cameo was done.
MMM: Sorry Spyro, we got you until this chapter’s over, then the Mario man gets a taste of the weirdness.
Spyro: *sighs again*
Sonic: *Recovers from laughing fit and gets back into chair*
Robotnik: *trying to get up* I’ll also have you know Mr. Lookalike, that I have more than enough muscle to support my weight! *Falls over sideways*
Sonic: *Bursts out laughing again*
Robotnik: Uhhhhh……………could I get some help here?
MMM: Sorry buddy, you’re on your own!
*Suddenly, a little tube slides under the studio door, and a blaringly loud roaring sound emits from the end*
Sally: Oh god what’s that noise? It sounds like a rhinoceros scream!
MMM: Hold on a sec guys, I’ll be right back… *Walks out the door, following the tube*
Sonic: *recovers from laughing fit* Ok, what did I miss?
Knuckles: A strange little tube appeared under the door and started making some weird noises. MMM went to see where it came from.
Sonic: Ohhhh. That’s what that sound was. I barely heard it over my laughter.
Robotnik: *Scowls
(Ten minutes later)
MMM: *Walks in, sits on his chair, looking real pale*
Spyro: What is it?
MMM: I just found out the multiple universe theory is true. I was beside myself…literally.
Sonic: Cool! What happened?
MMM: I followed it to another studio, where another me was hosting another column, only there were Pokemon there!
Spyro: *Whispering to Tails* I think MMM’s really lost it.
Tails: *Nods*
MMM: Ok Dr. R, finish answering.
Robotnik: Ok, if you really must know, my cholesterol is about 300,000,000
Spyro: *Still whispering to tails* I think that the author has lost it too.
Tails: *Nods again*
MMM: *Still pale* So there you have it folks! Another freaky submission! Our next submission, surprisingly, is NOT from EggBellyLookalike!
*Audience gasps*
MMM: Anyway, it’s from:
Nightingale
Heyo! This is a letter to the "ASK SONIC CHARS" thingie. MMM: Did you notice that you forgot the disclaimer on page 4? You should apologize to us. Amy: How did you get so ... pink? Pink hedgehogs are not found every day, you know. (Same basic question goes out to Sonic, Knux, and Spyro.) EggBellyLookalike: Stop picking on the chub-tub! Also, if Bunny’s listening: Where'd Cream (character in Sonic Advance 2) come from? Do I really want to know?
MMM: I’m sorry to all the folks in Sega who might think I’m claiming ownership of their company, so here’s the disclaimer, fashionably late:
Sega owns itself. Stop nitpicking!
Amy: We were born these weird colors! Isn’t that weird? But I love pink, so I can’t complain! I look so good! *hugs herself*
Sonic: Honestly, I wish I was born with a fire decal on my spines to make me look faster, like to kind you put on a Ferrari.
Spyro: Being a dragon, there’s nothing unusual about bright colors. You see red and blue dragons all the time, so why not purple for a change? And no I’m not gay, for all you sickos out there.
MMM: Sorry, author has not played Sonic advance, yet, since his wallet is a little tight, but he’ll play it as soon as he gets an “Advance” on his allowance! Yuk yuk yuk!
*Crickets chirp in audience*
MMM: Thanks for your submission Nightengale! I seriously doubt you can make EggBellyLookalike stop his teasing though, cause he’s very close to the hall of fame. And another funny submission from
Nightengale
Looks like things are going slow. I guess I'll send more questions then. Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
This is directed to all the people there (including you, MMM): Have any of you ever killed anyone? Because I know there's someone that Robuttnik would love to "dispose of," and I think that Sonic actually DID kill someone in one of the comic books... EXPLAIN!
vvv this is my signature vvv
Repeat after me.
"NIGHT..." *crickets chirp*
"IN..." *in what? you might ask*
"GALE!" *a tornado mysteriously appears and blows you to Nebraska* :P
^^^ that was my signature ^^^
MMM: Slow? You’ve got to be kidding me! These columns are about as fast as a snail that’s high on pot.
Sonic: Uhh, the questions?
MMM: Oh, right. The questions. No, I haven’t killed anyone…. (under his breath) Unless you cont that girl I accidentally hit with my Camero… (Note, this has not actually happened in real life, you idiots. >_<)
*Everyone stares at MMM*
MMM: You all heard nothing, or no pay!
Everybody: *Whistles casually*
MMM: Good.
Robotnik: Of course, first you tell EggBellyLookalike to quit picking on me *Notice he has suddenly stopped submitting…*, and now you call me names?
MMM: 3…2…1…
Robotnik: *Clutches chest and falls over unconscious*
Sonic: It’s ‘bout time that heart attack got here.
Staff member: *walks in with a tray of steaming food* I restocked the studio food supply!
Robotnik: *Jumps awake* Yes!
MMM: I’m starting to think his food intake is going to hurt our budget…
Robotnik: *Stuffs face*
Sonic: To answer the last question, I was accused for attempting to murder Sally, but it turned out to be someone else in a likeness of me. I was acquitted, of course.
MMM: *Watching Robotnik eat* Dude…that’s NOT NATURAL!
Robotnik: *With mouth full* mphhh glofffffrr meophhh
MMM: *Still watching* Oh right, I must thank Nightengale. Thanks Nightengale! Here’s a cool submission from
EggBellyLookalike
Am I too suspicious, or is the great flaming lardball eating to cover up
some sort of personal problem? Have you tried psychoanalysis? I can just
imagine what kind of creepy stuff a shrink might uncover if Robo-blubber
were hypnotized! I suspect his eating disorder (seems to be too pale a
word) might be compensation for something!
Hey robotnik, have you ever had a date?
Sonic, you are always watching thunder-buns, does he even notice the ladies?
Probably only if you are flirting with them, right?
Did any episode or cartoon ever delve into his royal lardosis' flatulence
problems? Anyone? Rotor, did you ever need to design a
robuttnik-smell-o-meter?
Nightengale: How about we take turns picking on ol' Tub-O-Cheez-Whiz? It's
so much fun!
Robotnik: All of the robots I programmed to psychoanalyze me exploded as soon as the connection was set up, oddly.
Sonic: I wonder why?
Robotnik: *Insert Evil Glare Here* A date? Oh sure! ALL of my robotic women just love me!
Spyro: *Gags*
Rotor: If you think anyone’s been brave enough to go near blub-tub after he was on a burrito trip…
Robotnik: Looks like it’s time to perform that experiment now, though. *Rips a big one*
MMM: Uh oh, good thing I bought this when Dubya’ started the war with Iraq *Pulls on Gas Mask*
Sonic: *Choking* Ack…..Got a spare, MMM? *Vomits*
MMM: Sorry, this is the only one I got.
*Entire crew of characters, except Robotnik & MMM pass out*
Robotnik: Muahahahahahaha! I finally got them! Every one of em’!
MMM: I’d better take care of this folks. *Dials phone* Hello, Acme Perfume Company? Do you sell in bulk? No? *Hangs up phone* Damn! Here’s our next submission from:
Nightengale
Ooies! My Rouge picture doesn't look all orange-y! I was hoping it wouldn't...
My hands are cold, and I can't type very well right now because of that, so my message will be brief. MMM, you should put Eggy in his roboticizing-tube thingie. Then the gas mask problem would be gone, and if someone was to *ahem* "accidentally" press the button/pull the lever/however you activate that thing, well...
MMM, you MUST get rid of these STUPID pop-ups! I COMMAND thee! (tries to shoo away the annoying pop-ups, but they keep coming back and multiplying like tribbles) (is enveloped in tribble-popups) Aack! Help me! Helb blub blub...
Perfect Chaos: Hey, I thought that _I_ drowned people! (attacks the tribbles) (no, I HAVEN'T played Sonic Adventure 1, please don't hurt me)
PS: I don't know HOW Perfect Chaos got into my letter, but he/she/it DID save me from the thingies...
Perfect Chaos: You're welcome.
Nightingale
MMM: *revives everyone and fans out the room* Hmmm…. Roboticizing Blubberbolts eh? Not a bad idea…
Robotnik: *Still stuffing his face* Mmmmpphhh…..glommmpphhh
MMM: How about this, we robticize eggbelly, eliminating the stink and the waste of food, since robots don’t need to eat…All in favor say “I”!
*Everyone shouts, except Robotnik, who was still stuffing himself*
MMM: Alright! Time to go robo! Queue the plot-hole!
*Plot hole opens up, and a roboticizer pops out, and the hole then closes*
MMM: *Pushes on Robotnik in a pathetic attempt to get Robotnik into the machine*
Robotnik: *swallows food* Muahahahahaha! There’s no way you can move my incredible bulk! I’m an immovable object! Hahahahahahahaha!
MMM: Ok, looks like we need some help! Get me another plot hole!
*Plot hole opens, and Mighty from the Chaotix comes through and picks up Robotnik*
Robotnik: Uh oh! Hey! Put me down!
Mighty: I’m sorry but I’m being paid to do this *Opens machine and drops Robotnik inside, and then closes it.*
Mighty: Got the cash MMM?
MMM: *Hands over a $50 bill* Damn expensive gouging <Censored> <Censored>
Mighty: Thanks a bunch! *Walks through plot hole, which closes behind him.*
MMM: …Oops! *Pushes activation button*
Robotnik: Argh! *Turns shiny metal*
*The machine opens up, and Robotnik walks out*
Robotnik 3000: Greetings. I am the Robotnik 3000. Initializing “Kill the Hedgehog” System. *Gigantic banks of lasers, missiles, and machine guns sprout from all over Robotnik 3000’s body*
Sonic: uh oh! *Runs out of the studio as Robotnik 3000 fires, leaving a pile of ash behind which used to be his chair.*
Robotnik 3000: Initializing pursuit. *Legs turn into tank treads, and he speeds after Sonic*
MMM: Hey wait! Come back here! *Runs off after them*
*10 minutes later, and neither Sonic, MMM, or Robotnik 3000 return*
Tails: Uhhh…so what should we do?
Rouge: I got the perfect idea! *Snickers* Let’s say mean and insulting things about MMM while he’s gone!
Amy: Yeah!....uhhhhhh…..He smells like dead fish?
Rouge: Shut up, let the expert do her work! Ahem…(To the tune of Ode to Joy) He smells like fish, he has green teeth, he wears the tackiest clooothing, he’s as dumb as a post and fat as Robo, and can’t host worth a <Censored>!
*Just then, Sonic flashes into the room, sweating like a pig and panting*
Sonic: *Pant pant pant* What a chase! You guys won’t believe what happened!
Rouge: *continuing her song* He sleeps with cars, gets booted out of bars, and likes to kick little children…
Tails: *Kicks rouge in the leg*
Rouge: Ouch!
Sonic: I’ll pretend I never heard any of that. You see what happened was, Robobutt chased me around the globe ten times, comically destroying oversized landmarks such as the leaning tower of Pisa and the Sphinx. I thought he might actually get me until he ran out of fuel in Hawaii. MMM, amazingly, rented a high speed bomber and managed to keep up with us, and when he found us as we were, he gave us a ride back to America, but once we landed, Robobutt got into the plane’s fuel tank, and he chased me here.
Robotnik 3000: *Rolls into the studio* Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!
Rouge: Good thing I always carry a de-roboticizer with me. *Pulls out a small device that looks like a TV remote, points it at Robotnik, and pushes a button, and Robotnik 3000 is engulfed in a green beam.*
Robotnik: Whoa…..what happened?
MMM: *Stumbles into the studio, panting and sweating* Thanks *pant* Submission *Passes out*
Sonic: I guess I’ll read the next submission while MMM lies on the floor lifelessly. Ahem. It’s from:
ZeldaGamer69
So you guys are the Sonic Characters, huh? I’ve never played any Sonic games before, but I hear that you guys are quite cool. I’m not sure what to ask you, but one thing: What’s the fastest you’ve ever gone Sonic?
Please use Kilometers per hour, Not miles, since I’m from England
Sonic: I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to convert MPH to KPH.
Rotor: I do! And I remember that your maximum on the training course was around 500,000,000 Kilometers per hour.
Sonic: Whatever.
MMM: *Still unconscious*
Sonic: Thanks ZG69, here’s another one:
Nightingale
(Audience cheers!)
Aw, you guys didn't give me a chance to riff on Robotnik 3000 and Sonic and MMM! Phooey. I shall compensate by making you stay here longer. (Sonic characters: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) *Perfect Chaos glares at them* (Sonic characters: *silence*) Ahem. Right. Questions. MMM, do you allow "Mystery Science Theater"-like things in the Fanfiction section? That would be cool. Robotnik, do you have a clone that goes by the name of Eggman? (Note: I know that Eggman and Robotnik are one and the same, but have you seen those two? They look nothing alike! Robotnik is actually pretty tall and has a pet Cluck, and Eggman is shaped like an egg and imprisons small animals in his robots. [Robotnik's robots are Mobians under mind control and a fancy steel coat.]) Hmm. That will be all... for now. Mwahahahahahaha! *disappears through a plot hole* ~Chaos, panic, and disorder: My work here is done.~
Nightingale
Sonic: Don’t worry. I’m still here for you personal amusement. *Thinking about his paycheck* Anyways, MMM will be fine, and Robotnik is a lot more fun to pick on than his robot self. Remember, robots have no emotions, and the real Robotnik gets mad really easily!
Robotnik: Hey!
Sonic: See? Anyways, about the Mystery Theater, I’ve read the rules section about this site and it never mentioned anything about Science mystery Theater type stories!
Robotnik: I honestly must tell you, I thought I looked better in my new look. And as for the robot design, I thought they might work better. Obviously I was wrong.
Knuckles: *Pokes MMM with a stick* Uhhhh, guys, I think something’s wrong with MMM here…
Sonic: *Smiles sheepishly at the audience* Well folks, I’m gonna dial 911 now, let’s do the next submission while we wait for the ambulance. Tails, you read it!
Tails: Ok! *Thinking* This is my big chance at fame! *End thinking.* *Big deep voice* Thanks Sonic! You may recognize our next submitter from previous submissions! Here’s……
Eggbellylookalike
Hey Robotnik, has anyone from Hollywood ever contacted you about hosting one of those new reality TV shows? I was thinking that you would a great host for RobotIsland Survivor, where you could turn a bunch of incredibly hip teenagers/rap stars into robots, and they could bash, slash, and mutilate each other for our enjoyment. Or how about Obese Bachelor, where the loser has to date you? I can just imagine the way the blonde bimbos who rounded up for this would squirm, cry, and lie in order to avoid even looking directly at you. Or, or, Mr. Unpersonality, where you wear a mask and Monica has to figure out, by asking you questions, whether you are human, robot, evil spirit, etc.
Sonic, how do chili dogs give you such speed? Is it some sort of internal methane combustion process? Have you ever done a movie? If not, what kind of movie would you like to be in?
Sally, why don’t you ever kiss Sonic? Is the comic series rated G as in gender neutral?
Robotnik: BLECHHH!!! I hate reality TV! It’s all fake, just like professional wrestling! Don’t even get me started on survivor!
Author: Don’t get so upset Dr. R, I’m thinking about writing you into a survivor story!
Robotnik: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *Passes out*
Sonic: *Talking to the woman at the hospital on the phone* Better make that two ambulances, and no they both won’t fit in the same one! Trust me!
Knuckles: *stifles back a laugh*
Tails: Sonic, it’s your question now!
Sonic: (Into phone): Please hold! (End talking into phone) What is it tails, I’m very busy now!
Tails: It’s your question pal!
Sonic: Oh right. *Reads question* Oh that’s simple. It’s not the chili dogs that give me speed at all! I was born with speed as my natural talent, although the chili dogs do add a boost, so to speak.
*Knuckles and Rouge both shrink away from Sonic*
Sonic: Whatever. And yes I have been in a movie. Although it was very hard for the webmaster to find, he did find the one and only Sonic the Hedgehog Feature Length Movie! I’m glad somebody bought it, because it was a living hell to make.
Amy: I have ten copies of it! DVD, VHS, Audio Cassette, CD, 3.5 Floppy, 5.5 Floppy…
Sonic: I didn’t know that computer disks held that much data?
Amy: They do when you shrink the entire movie down to 10x10 pixels!
Sonic: And you can still see that?
Amy: (Close up shows red, crusty, bleeding eyes) yesssssss…….
*Everyone backs away from Amy*
Sally: Yes I have kissed Sonic, but only once!
Sonic: Hmmmm??
Sally: Ok, twice.
Sonic: Hmmmmmmmmmm????
Sally: *Slaps Sonic* TWICE!
Sonic: *Falls over, knocked out*
Knuckles: *Picks up the phone* you’d better make that three ambulances!
Tails: *Deep voice again* Thank you Eggbellylookalike! Now here’s our next submission from
Nightingale
(Audience cheers)
Hello again! [cheers from the people] Thank you, thank you... *clears throat* Here is my question for the Sonic column.
Tails, did you have a cold while making the Sonic Anime movie? And what happened to your hat, Knuckles? I liked that hat...
But I'm sure the villians don't give a can of Cheez-Whizz what happened to Knuxie's hat, so this question is for Rouge (I'll bet you forgot about her, huh?). SPOILER!
What's the deal with you and Shadow, huh? *wink* And what the HECK is that thing that Sonic gives you after beating the FinalHazard? Does Knuckles even come into the picture at all? I want spoilers!
END SPOILER!
Those are my questions. Have fun answering them, especially you, Rouge! *titters*
~Chaos, panic, and disorder: my work here is done.~
P.S.: Eggy, what happened to your Cluck? That guy was cute...
Nightingale
Tails: Actually, I had a sore throat during the filming of the movie, so they dubbed in the voice of the same guy who sang my theme song from the Sonic Adventure Games.
Singer: I’ll have you know I’m not a guy! *Stomps off*
Tails: I couldn’t tell a difference, could you?
Knuckles: I remember that hat, oh the good times that hat and I had……………………………….
Tails: *Snaps fingers*
Knuckles: Oh, right. Sorry.
Rouge: *Blushes* The only reason I considered Shadow was because A) Knuckles wouldn’t let me have the Master Emerald, and B) Sonic runs away!
Robotnik: *wakes back up* Sonic smashed my cluck! And I lost the blueprints so I can’t build a new one…*Face goes all anime sad like*
Rotor: *Holding the blueprints* My precious…my precious…
Robotnik: My blueprints! *Tries to take them from Rotor, but they rip in half*
*Both Robotnik and Rotor fall over, unconscious*
Knuckles: We seem to be eliminating characters pretty fast here…
Tails: Don’t worry, only one more submission until this chapter is over. Anyways, thanks for the cool submission Nightingale! Here’s one from the newcomer:
TigerLily
Knuckes: Are you in love with Sonic's sister Sonia? The red hedgehog with pink hair from Sonic's Underground (note: Not Amy! He's not Sonic's sister and besides that Sonia could spin herself that's called Super Twirl not Amy.) Please tell the truth cause I saw you kiss each other!
Sonic: Do you know your brother and sister? Manic and Sonia?
Robotnik: At eps. 23 on Sonic's Underground you're a good guy that has a weird hairdo...have you been good for a short days? (note: It's funny when Sonic said to Robotnik "Robuttnik")
TigerLily
Knuckles: 0.0 Heck no! That’s Interspecies! Yuk yuk yuk yuk!! Bad thoughts! *Bangs head on wall*
Sonic: I have a brother and sister????? 0.0 I never knew! How can I make up for all those lost years? And how did I suddenly wake up after being slapped silly by Sally 2 submissions ago? Tune in to next week’s American Idol to find out! *Falls unconscious again*
Robotnik: *Still out cold*
Tails: Hehehehehe, sorry Tiger lily, but Robotnik is passed out, and the author has no idea what “Sonic Underground” is.
Author: It’s true! I’ve no clue what you’ve been talking about! If it’s some new comic or TV show, I’ve never heard of it! Please E-mail me telling me what it is! I’m confused! I hate being confused!
Tails: There you have it! I think we’ve reached the max for this chappy! Time to send the Characters to the hospital and get ready for the medical bills…0.0
Comments Anonymous: KTE ROX! Script by Alex |
