Episode 4
MMM: And now I give you the fourth chapter of the Zelda Column! Despite the fact that this Column is progressing slower than others, that doesn't mean it can't be funny! Before we start though;
This disclaimer is annoying. I do not own Zelda. This disclaimer is annoying. This disclaimer is annoying.
MMM: Here we go! Our first submission is from:
Brygi63
*comes back inside after going to McDonald's, eating a Big Mac* Mmmm...beef! Malon would kill me for eating this...the fight! I didn't miss him, did I? Is he getting bored? Well, if he is, he can wait. *finishes Big Mac* Now, then...
Ganondorf: what were you thinking when you traded that awesome sword for that crappy bazooka? Also, what else was going on in your mind when you made a gelatinous monster that ate clothing?
Triple M: I didn't know anime characters could be on this website? After Shinji and Asuka are done, can I invite Master Roshi as a cameo (the girls will hate me for this, but it will be so hilarious! I finally get to make fun of the old geezer! Hurrah!)?
Asuka: I'll take that as a yes! [Eva suddenly explodes]...? Wow, that was a sudden burst of randomness. I wonder if that's Lucied...*rushes out the door*
MMM: Don't worry, Big B, Blue Lucied hasn't given a reply to your challenge yet. I'll let you know when he does.
Ganondorf: Well, Bazookas rock! If I were up against someone a few feet away who was holding a sword, I could blow the crap out of them! And the Like-like monster was just a prank to laugh at Link when he lost his fifth tunic, and to wander around looking for it!
MMM: (With a twinkle in his eyes) Why, yes....we could have Master Roshi on here as a cameo!
All female characters: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MMM: Yes! Perfect! Excellent idea Brygi! I'll most definitely have MR on here after Shinji and Asuka! *Laughs maniacally*
Asuka: *Is still in time stasis, so she doesn't notice her Eva just blew up*
MMM: Here's another reason to keep her in stasis......Thanks for the Submission Brygi. Here's the next one from:
Blue Lucied
To MMM: Sorry that I ain't been submitting much, we've had some cpu troubles.
To Impa: OKay, since you said that you like hamsters so much, here! *Hands Impa two small grey hamsters with little Santa hats* Their names are Nibbles and Giblets. Enjoy!
To Zelda: *Gives Zelda a bottle of pepper spray, AKA mace* There's one thing for ya, and this. *hands Zelda a discreet box* For your, farmgirl problem. Use it wisely.
To Saria: Aww... I couldn't think of anything for you really, with the Link problems and such. So here, until I can think of something else ta get ya. *Hands Saria a steel baseball bat* Great for hitting people in the shins!
To Darunia: *Hands him a muffin rock* Enjoy!
To Rauru: *Hands Rauru a box full of workout tapes and a TV/VCR combo* Get ta work!
MMM: It's no problem; my computer hasn't been behaving its best either. But I do think Brygi63 wants to have a duel with you though. See the last submission.
Impa: Cuteness! *Pets Hamsters and puts them into a giant tube maze*
Zelda: I've been trying to get my hands on this for months! Malon's not the only person I plan on using it on.......
*Everyone in the studio emits the classic gulping sound of nervousness*
Saria: Hmmmm....Who should I hit in the shins first? I know! *Whacks Darunia*
Darunia: *Feels nothing through his stone skin* Huh, what?
Saria: *Blinks* Oh, nothing. Blue Lucied has a muffin for you.
Darunia: Oooh! Rock flavor! *Devours muffin*
Rauru: *Not knowing how to work the TV, or what it is, he sticks it in his mouth and bites down* Hmmmm....not bad , but it would be better if there weren't, like jabbing bits of metal in it. It's a good thing my stomach is actually made of steel!
MMM: He had his old stomach removed in favor of an artificial one with a bigger capacity. Anywho, thanks for the submission Blue Lucied! Remember to control those Fangirls though. Here's our next submission from:
Brygi63
Hello, once again, everyone...oh, crap. Zelda with a discreet box. From Lucied. This could be worse than that Love Bow I've...*looks for his bow, but can't find it* oh, double crap; I lost it (wow, I DO have organizational issues)! Things are going to get chaotic around here...*surrounds himself with a magic barrier* Now, onto the submission.
Impa: why are you so...how should I put this? Bubbly? Childish? Downright creepy? I'm not sure which. Anyway, why do you act the way you do?
Zelda: y-you're not planning to use that new...whatever it is on me, are you...since I asked for MR as a cameo? *strengthens barrier*
Link: Can you PLEASE put on a decent pair of pants? You look like you're from some tacky ballet set in a forest wearing those tights.
Ganondorf: *dry, scratchy voice* FRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.......*end scratchy voice*
To all female submitters: Sometime in the future, preferably on Valentine's Day, I would like all female submitters to give Triple M and the Author a hug, if they want one. That or at least some chocolate. I think they deserve at least that or all their fine work, don't you?
Okay, I'm done. Tell me if Lucied wishes to fight me. *teleports off the set*
Impa: *In a serious tone* Listen pal, when you spend so many years of your life guarding the inside of the Shadow Temple, where the demonic horrors pry into your very sanity and show you the flowing blood of slaughtered innocents on your very hands, you need to make yourself a happy place! *Returns to sweet demeanor* Pretty birdies!
Zelda: Hmmm, I'm not sure who I'll use this on first, but I do know one thing! The lid is coming off now! *Opens the discreet box*
*3 cans of Sarin gas and Donkey from the Shrek movies pop out*
MMM: I'll be confiscating that gas before someone gets killed....
Donkey: Hey, wassup y'all? So you're the Zelda characters huh? I've always been a big fan of the game franchise, especially Ocarina of Time, that was one of my favorite-
MMM: Ok ok, hold it! We already have a set of cameo characters for this chapter! I'm going to have to escort you out Donkey.
Author: *Pops in* Hold it hold it, I do believe that since nobody requested Donkey, he shouldn't count as an official cameo and therefore will be allowed to stay for the duration of this chapter!
MMM: Jeez! Now we have Shinji, Asuka, and Donkey here! What next!
Donkey: I can go and bring Shrek and Fiona if you want me to!
MMM: NO!!!
Zelda: Back to the questions please!
Donkey: *Reads the submission* I'd have to agree with the next point. *Stuffs a pair of slacks onto Link*
Audience: *Holds up scorecards all reading 8.5*
Ganondorf: Well, at least I'm not a looney. I went on the TV Show "Spot the Looney", and nobody rang in when I appeared. SO THERE!
Zelda: Well, I do have this nice solid gold goblet I was going to give to MMM, but I guess a hug will do instead! *Hugs MMM*
MMM: I could just cry.....
Donkey: I'll take the goblet!
Zelda: Sorry, this is going back to the dinner set now.
MMM: Well, there's been no sign of Lucied for awhile now, and I seem to have lost his address, but if he ever gets back I'll be sure to let the both of you know about the match. Thanks for the submission! Here's a new one from:
L'Ombrai
*yay the site's back up so i can make my first submission!*
Zelda: would you ever kiss ganondorf?
Nabooru: (sorry if this is inappropriate, but i saw it on soem website) are the Gerudos really lesbians?
Link: have you ever been tempted to gorily decimate one of those annoying fairies that follow you around?
MMM: ZOMG! You're into Aerosmith?!
Cookies for all!
L'Ombrai
Zelda: BLECH! HELL NO! Just look at him! He's got a nose the size of a peahat, a complexion comparable to rotten cheese, more makeup on than me, etc. Not to mention the fact that I've dedicated my life to undermining everything he stands for. I'd sooner kiss an Oktorok.
Nabooru: The secrets of Gerudo reproduction are under the strictest confidence. TOP SECRET!
MMM: I have theories though, most of them involving space aliens and/or probes of some kind
Nabooru: And so the oppressor breaks his own rules. *hits MMM with a paper fan*
MMM: GUH! *face hits floor*
Link: Well, only once actually. That was back when I Navi first started following me around, I tried to burn her with a flaming Deku stick. But as the years have gone past, I've steadily grown numb to her incessant yammering.
Navi: *in the background* Link! You need to pay the electric bills! Are you paying attention to me? The cat needs to be fed, you need to go to the grocery store, the powers of the Twilight are threatening Hyrule, *continued blathering*
Link: *is comfortably ignorant of the rambling*
MMM: Hells yeah, Aerosmith is kickass! *headbang*
Ganondorf: Ooh, are these evil cookies? *takes a bite* Awww, nope. Just sugar.
Ruto: *takes a bite and shrinks back* UGH! Too dry! I'm shriveling up! *runs off and dunks head in nearest sink*
Darunia: This would have been much tastier had it been made from rock.
Rauru: Hmm, kinda small. Ah well, who am I to look a gift food in the mouth? *sucks everyone else's cookies up like a vacuum*
MMM: Hey! Just for that, you lost studio food priveliges for the next hour!
Rauru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I might burn calories!!!!
Ganondorf: God forbid. *rolls eyes*
MMM: Thanks for the submission, L'Ombrai! Here's another one from:
Circe
Uh, Link, why are you having so much trouble with the girls? I mean, the
solution's right over there. (jerks head towards Four Sword Shrine)
It's easy. Just pull out the sword, pick four girls, and then have the
newly-released Vaati kidnap the others. Uwehehehehe!!!
Link: You see, the problem with that plan is that there will be even MORE girls to beat me up for choosing Malon, and I'm not exactly down with the thought of fighting Vaati again.
MMM: Wow, did Link just demonstrate intelligence?
Zelda: Praise Jebus!
Ganondorf: *raps knuckles on Link's skull* Well, the hollow sound is still there.
Link: I like swords!
MMM: Must have been a fluke.
Rauru: *creeps silently towards food table*
MMM: *points laser pistol at Rauru*
Rauru: Ehehehe, right. *sits back down*
Zelda: Do you really think that the laser could have managed to burn through all of Rauru's layers of protective flab?
MMM: Oh no, but It would have burnt up some of it, and Rauru wouldn't want to lose any when he's trying to store up more fat for winter hibernation.
Rauru: S'true.
Zelda: Ooooookay, that's pretty frightening.
Link: I like swords!
MMM: I'd better end this submission before my IQ drops any lower than it is. Thanks Circe! Here's a new one from:
ZeldaGamer69
Hey everybody, long time no see! I finally got my hands on Twilight Princess and played through it, and now I have a veritable truckload of questions about it! Let's get started shall we?
Link: How freaky was it to clawshot around the sky temple with no floors underneath you? I would have passed out from my Acrophobia the moment I was shot out of that giant cannon.
Zelda: When you gave Midna a new lease on life with that spell, did it cause you to die or just to fade away into another dimension?
Nabooru: Where the hell were the Gerudos? I wanted to hang out with you guys in Twilight Princess, but all I got were Orcs! That made me sad!
MMM: Can we have Midna in the column? PLEEEASE???
Ganondorf: Damn, you were a pain in the ass to kill on horseback, you know? How long did you have to train with that horse to go from pathetically incompetent to expert?
Ruto: The new Zoras in Twilight Princess ROCKED! Those deep-sea lights are freakin' sweet.
Darunia: Hard to believe there was a Goron bigger than you eh? I'm referring to the Elder in the Goron Mines who sevred as the miniboss. That dude was MASSIVE!
That's all I can think of for now, but I'll be back!
~ZG69
Link: I must say that it was a bit of a stomach turner going through the floor-free areas of the sky temple, but a real adventurer has to be ready for even the most hair-raising events, including heights well in excess of the 'holy shit that's high' mark.
Zelda: You know, when I cast that spell on Midna it DID drain my life energy, but since I came back later on under Ganondorf's control, it must not have fully killed me. I guess it doesn't take as much life energy to power a little imp when compared to a full sized human!
MMM: Hey, good point! Midna was such a loveable character, we should have her in here as a permanent addition to the column! *snaps fingers*
*POOF*
Midna: Huh? What's going on? Where am I? Why am I back in this stubby little Imp body again?!
MMM: Welcome, you've just been drafted into a column entitled "Ask the Legend of Zelda Characters"!
Midna: Oh lord. Link told me about this. Heaven help me.
MMM: you know what this means, dear readers! Feel free to send in questions for Midna! I may add other Twilight Princess characters as well if you demand them!
Ganondorf: I got myself a mail in diploma in horseback warfare, just in time for TP's release.
Link: Me too! *holds up a McDonalds degree for Horseback combat*
Ruto: Evolution scores another victory for the Zoran race! BOOYAH!
Darunia: I never said I was the biggest Goron. The title "Big Brother" refers to my leadership status, not my true size! Besides, it's not the size of the Goron that counts, it's the rock-hardness. And I bet I'm much harder than that fellow you mentioned!
MMM: And I think I'll cut that off there before we drift into any heavier realms of innuendo. Thanks for the submission ZG! Here's the next one from:
Sye216
Hi yalz! I’m a noob, but I got a few questions:
Ganondorf: In TP, why do you show yourself first as a giant floating head? The first time I saw you, I thought you were Andross!
Rauru: I baked you a cake! It’s a secret chocolate-vanilla blend that’s recipe is under constant surveillance! Enjoy forbidden cake! ^_^
Midna: At the end, when you are returning to the Twilight Realm, why did you shatter the mirror? That made me so sad! Oh, by the way, I think you’re much better than Navi. At least you have a likeable attitude!
-Sye wuz heer
Ganondorf: All the better to make Zant think of me as some kind of god! Then I could manipulate him to the advancement of my nefarious schemes! And it was also totally kickass looking for the Nintendo cameras.
Rauru: GHASP! FORBIDDEN CAKE! *stuffs entire cake into mouth* OMNOMNOMNOM! Yummy! That was almost as good as a Satanic Doughnut!
Midna: Well, I had this terrible, terrible feeling that if I had stayed in Link's world for too much longer, I would be kidnapped by some kind of maniac who would force me into captivity for mental torture for months on end.
MMM: Sounds familiar!
Midna: ⌐_⌐
MMM: Thanks for the submission Sye! Here's another from:
ZeldaGamer69
Woot! I'm totally going to town with this!!!
Midna: I think your impy form is absolutely adorable! Almost as awesome as your normal form, but not quite. Do you still have the Fused Shadows with you now? If so, I'd like to borrow them.
Link: Speaking of the giant cannon, did you get all charred and broken from the explosion that was necessary to propel you up to those heights? If so, how come you landed all shiny and new looking up at the sky city? Was the flight up there really long enough to chnge clothes and drink a potion?
Zelda: What was it like to be posessed by ol' Ganny? Did you see into his mind or just black out?
Ganny: What was it like to posess Zelda? Was it interesting for you to actually be close to the female anatomy for once!
*Audience: OOOOOH BURNED!*
Darunia: Hey, don't blame me if you've got size issues.
*Audience: OOOOOOOOOHHHH! MORE BURN!*
Rauru: I considered making another joke about size issues here too...but I feel that I would have to shoot myself if I did. Here's some peanut butter instead.
MMM: Did you beat Twilight Princess yet? I know I may already have given you a lethal exposure to spoilures, but I just want to make sure before going any farther.
Alrighty, I'll be back once I know its safe to post more spoilers!
~ZG69
Midna: I was so glad to have my normal body back, and now that MMM brought me here, I'm stuck back in this stupid imp body again! I don't care if you like it, I'm really sick of it! And yes, I still haved the Fused Shadows, but hell if I'm going to trust them to anyone other than myself.
Link: Actually, the cannon didn't use gunpowder or any other explosive agent. It ran on pure mana power, hence no burns! Those Oocoo are pretty damned good craftsbirds.
(THIS EPISODE IS UNFINISHED! HELP FINISH IT BE SENDING IN A SUBMISSION!)
Comments lil' people.....rock!!: that would be nice L'Ombrai: Hmm... can you use this thing for submissions...? Script by Alex |
